This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
