You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
