I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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