maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
