i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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