I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Randomize
