Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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