i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
