Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
