you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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