Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
