Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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