I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Randomize
