she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
