I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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