When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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