We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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