You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
home. puking in laundry basket.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
