Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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