Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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