I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
