i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
