sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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