Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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