Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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