I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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