i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
