seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
