I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I stole a fireplace last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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