btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Someone shattered a urinal.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
