I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize