Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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