My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
