the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
