somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
