Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
