So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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