he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
