You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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