If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
