is your mom at the bar?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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