I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
