I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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