yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
