I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
