my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
