when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
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I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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