I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
