thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
