My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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