I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
