My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
