She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
