i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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