Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
