last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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