There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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