Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
