Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
