proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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