Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
