Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
